Self-Sabotage

2/14/2022

I have made so may changes in my life since my last post. I'm crushing it in so many areas of life. I did well for about a month with my health. However, the past 2 weeks or so have been reckless for the most part. All in all, I am SO much better than December 2021 me, which I'm proud of. I do make conscious healthy decisions within each day. But I also make self-sabotaging ones as well. Self sabotage is an old toxic friend I need to dump for good. It's something I have become abundantly aware of in recent months.

Gotta kick the sabotage in order to become a fully healthy person in mind, body & spirit. Let's add some context shall we?

I'll eat healthy, or at least make healthier choices 85-95% of the day regarding food choices. Each day, at a certain point, I begin to self sabotage all the work I put in, that day, or the previous day. Why Stacey? What is really going on here? I will eat a great breakfast, have good snacks, even make it to a healthy dinner some days...Then I want chocolate mostly, or I will intentionally have more carbs. I WILL EAT WHEN I'M NOT HUNGRY. I've become increasingly aware of this recently. I am just putting food in to maintain this body. To maintain this discomfort, and level of living.

I've noticed that every time I begin to do well in an area of my life, there is always something toxic that remains, and even becomes worse. Look, I'm still trying, and I'm proud of that. But I think that being thin seriously scares me. I'm a person who loves to be alone in life, seriously. It's really a beautiful thing. I've grown to love spending time with myself. I like to go places alone, places most women don't feel comfortable going alone. Like movie theatres, or not thinking twice about going out of the house at night to a store or something. I've found myself having thoughts like "Good thing I'm not thin, otherwise this would be so much more dangerous for me". That comment we've all heard about feeling safer because it's "much harder to kidnap a heavy woman," right? Well, for the first time in my life, I am consciously aware these thoughts are passing through my mind on an alarmingly regular basis.

The following is not a sympathy statement, it's a fact, which as an introvert is really peaceful for me... I am pretty alone in life, I don't see that altering much any time soon. I want to continue doing all these things and feel safe while doing them at a physically healthier level. Getting to this point of being somewhat alone, of course not completely. But I have an INCREDIBLY small circle. And I worked damn hard to get that circle from larger than life, to small and amazingly peaceful. I absolutely love it. All the noise is gone, almost completely.

At this point, I'm just keeping up the body as an emotional comfort reflex. I am not happy when I eat anymore. It no longer brings me joy. I don't enjoy cooking anymore. I've lost that for now. I am working so hard to get myself financially and emotionally stable, that I'm allowing my physical health to continue to decline. Likely just to feel comfort in something that's staying the same.

This brings me to the trigger I discovered a while back about change. Change brings up anxiety within me very strongly. Change has been both aggressively good, and bad throughout my life. I think that my life is changing at such a rapid pace, I'm having a hard time mentally with that. Even though it is so MANY good things! Ugh this really gets me because, I hate to "whine". I am so damn lucky for what I have, and how far I've come. Personal success is hard for me. It's incredibly difficult for me to praise myself, and pat myself on the back for doing well. I did not have that instilled in me. If you asked me what I do well, and what I can improve on, I always knew right away what I needed to do better. Still do. Trying change that inner monologue to what I do well. I'm Loving the process of mistakes that have lead me to this point in my life.

I've always felt like a locked phoenix. I have burned and healed many times, only to find myself in a fiery cage each time once healed, unable to completely rise. Always feeling like I was meant for so much more. I haven't completely risen yet, but I have done some serious damage to my cage. It's coming, much sooner that I am ready for.

I have to allow myself to be great! I MUST. I deserve all of the things I want. And I deserve all the things I will want in the future. Allowing and embracing change in will be my next triumph.

I'm finally getting my ass back to the gym tomorrow. If I want to be healthy, and feel safe, I think the answer is to be strong. Physically & mentally. It's time to let go of what's familiar in order to move on to become the best version of myself.

It's all about the journey. There is no end game, no end goal. I now understand that it will ALWAYS be about the process. Understanding it, getting lost in it, finding my way back, enjoying the growth, stopping inside of the moments and appreciating them.

Thank you for always listening. For being a part of my journey. Whether you are an active person within my life, or a silent one. I appreciate YOU.

💙