Grrrrrrr

I am so mad at myself right now!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Obviously life is going to be an asshole more often than not, so I need to learn to cope with it better! I keep telling myself, "as soon as I get through this, I'll do this..." But due to life's sick sense of humor, I tell myself this at least once per week lately for months! The shit keeps hitting the fan continually, and the fan (me) is about to bust, and fall down crashing all over the place. Thoughts like "why can't I just deal with shit better!" Run through my head like a river. How did I allow myself to get to this toxic place in such a short amount of time? I really think that the quarantine and the new life we all live is deeply getting to me. Living in Los Angeles county is a shit show, especially now. We are almost a year in this!

Great, a mental block just happened. Usually I'll figure out my deeper issue right here, but I've got nothing. All I have is anger, frustration, anticipation, hope, deep sadness, shame.