Self Discovery, & Depth on My Journey

8/29/2020 8:51PM

*Due to it's raw nature, there's a small amount of cursing within this text.*

To catch up on what's going on with me these past few days is becoming another self discovery, I can feel it. Every time I avoid writing in this blog my path strays a little. So, I'm going to say it, I've been feeling a bit depressed. Hopefully I find the root of it in writing this, because I'm over it. My goals that need to be crushed, shit needs to stop holding me back... There's my anger surfacing.

I think it's fear. Every time I feel like things are starting to take a positive turn in my life, fear sets in. Why? Because shit always goes wrong. I've been fighting since the age of four for a better life, Im exhausted, and my mind feels ancient. But I've gotta keep going. Remembering to fight the big fight, to get to my peaceful place. When I overcome my fears, and push past all the negativity in my life, I'll make it, I have to.

My family history is unbelievably crazy. If you saw it all on paper and didn't know me, you'd say I had no chance. But when you grow up through the turmoil, the trauma, and the betrayal, you learn that's no way to live. As I've learned, quality of life, and collateral damage are imminent when choosing this lifestyle fueled by fear and anger.

Many breaking points have occurred in my life. Without a doubt this is one of them. I'll either stand tall or fall, the choice is mine. This time unlike my past decisions, I will rise. However slow the process may be, it's necessary.

Here's where I realized there's a mental roadblock. Two days ago I stepped on the scale and achieved a victory I thought was impossible. I couldn't believe my eyes, so I stepped back on that scale and checked again. After shedding one tear something clicked in my brain. It didn't allow me to cry. The scale told me that I'd reached my pre back injury weight in 2016, which was 225 pounds.

At first it was a true shock, and surge of joy. But fear set in, and I was trying to unravel what the feeling was, feeling overwhelmed at the time, my thoughts became scrambled. I knew something was wrong when my desire to post on social media, and tell friends diminished. It took me two days to say this aloud. My brains auto fail-safes to protect me are interesting.

Here's the root (deep breath)... When I sat in a meeting with a group of jerks regarding my back injury, they asked me what my weight was while attempting to lose weight before my injury (they knew I was exercising and eating healthy to lose weight at this time). Unfortunately it had been a few short weeks, (this time) and I hadn't lost any weight. "225" I replied. They all smirked, but one giggled and said something like "then you weren't successful before the accident." I felt defeated, and I couldn't defend that statement without giving them additional personal information I wasn't willing to release.

This was a portion of my life issues at the time. I had been on treatments for my endometriosis for over a year, which the side effects were atrocious, and caused weight gain. These treatments caused food allergies to healthy things! My weight loss journey in January 2016 (pre-injury) was trying with everything going on. On top of some personal life bull shit.

I felt like reaching a number near 225 on the scale again was impossible. This was a year, maybe year and a half after the accident causing my injury. And when I gave up on my health goals. The light within me was dimmed in every aspect of my life. My career was over, my health was toast, my personal life was shit, my home life was unhealthy.

The one consistent light in my life is and was my son. He's so full of life, and has kept me going at partial power for the past 11 years. There's so much guilt surrounding him within me. I haven't been my best self, and I've been at my lowest point for such an extended of time, taking one hit after the other. My son should have the best version of me, and to say that I gave it my all, and my best as a mother when looking back.

On June 8th 2018 we woke up at 3 A.M to get my son over to Children's Hospital Los Angeles. This day was the biggest kick in my gut, still is. Two days prior, I had received the piece of mail to end my fight with my injury. But this wasn't time for celebration, only preparation for his surgery. He had to have open heart surgery to resect a mucous membrane blocking the outflow of blood from his aortic valve. The entire time he was in surgery I pondered on the life I had given him so far, how much more I was capable of giving, and how bad I felt for being a shell of myself his whole life. If he were to die that day, I wouldn't have forgiven myself for that.

Things started to change after this surgery. Wanting to take him so many places, and do many things. We did, he became my travel buddy. Physically, I couldn't give him much, but that I could do. However, this was short term thinking, wanting to live every moment as if it were our last, but money quickly depleted. Guilt and fear have misguided me for the last time. No longer am I going to make foolish mistakes. But I have to remember to believe in myself, and don't fear becoming the person I once was. I won't revert to that, stop thinking its evident. (self pep talk)

A large portion of my life, I was told that I won't amount to anything, and am not worth much. Bully's have dimmed my light since childhood, and will no longer have a hold on me. I'm not an idiot, nor am I a lost cause. My worth is boundless, and have yet to rise to my fullest potential. The disdain I have for people who believe that belittling others gains them value is overflowing. So much so, that I've reached my limit, and have come to realize that those individuals are much more broken than me. My sympathy has shifted to them.

💙