7|25|23

Life is such a beautiful mess isn't it? This post is going to be a bit out there for a min, but I promise it will make sense by the end. 

It's funny, I've been doing some reflecting on my timeline these past few days. I go back and fourth short term, and long term and each time I'm more humbled. Everything, and everyone I come in contact with since maybe last Friday, I'm absorbing every detail in a surreal way. My goodness, I've been through so much, and I have done some truly amazing work to get where I am today. Funny thing is, my life is still a bit of a hot mess for sure in some aspects, but I feel an inner calm. 

Just let me be cheesy for a minute. I hope this feeling lasts forever because its been a good 2 days of wait for it... Inner peace! Seriously though, this calm resonates to my core, and it's an oddly energetic calm! If it does go away, I now know that it's possible to attain. I had some stressful moments today, but still remain steady, it's unreal. Who would have thought last Monday's nervous breakdown could pave the way here.

This calm had to be documented, because I would never believe it if I didn't feel it, and it has to be remembered. It's the calm I've been desperate to find, as my anxiety can be crippling at times. This is the first time ever experiencing this, and am having a tough time putting it in words, please bare with me.

It feels numb, but not, more like a steady calm, and its down to my soul. Everything is connecting, all the cylinders that make up my mind, body, and soul are starting to fire up, and get fueled for top performance. So silly, like I said, let me just be cheesy and get this out. Anxiety and life stressors are rolling off me throughout the day now. It's as if the clouds have cleared and there's a big world out there to be adventured upon. I feel completely in sync, and immensely sure of myself; An almost primal feeling of power. 

Coming to the realization of what's been happening mentally since moving helped lead me to this calm. Another anomaly came about yesterday morning with the IG reels that popped up on my feed. They kept speaking to what I had been feeling, and experiencing, bringing clarity. The reels made sense of my unchecked feelings, realizing that I'm healing from a whole lot of trauma, and hustle mentality. I've spent at least 80% of my life in an extremely high cortisol state, idling in fight or flight.

During that time in fight or flight, I developed coping mechanisms that no longer serve me. I am now safe, and am going to be ok no matter what. I can worst case scenario anything and understand that I can start over, and pivot as needed, but I will survive, and I will have quality of life. If nothing else, I can be so incredibly proud of the life I've created, the growth I've endured reaching, and the beautiful child I've raised thus far. Nothing can take those facts away because I've already fought for them and won!

Everything is coming together. Nothing is perfect, my eating habits need work, my financials need securing, and my parenting always needs improvement. But I tell you what, every one of those things have been worked on today. I am learning better habits, recognizing the ones that no longer serve me, and am opening my mind to learning. 

I don't know how realistic it is that this steady powerful calm will continue for an extended time. I am however,  hopeful it will, but won't be disappointed if not. I'm so grateful to have experienced it, and will strive to reach/maintain this point daily. 

I really hope this helps someone know that the work you're putting in, the heightened emotions, the ups & downs are going to pay off, and you are not alone in the growth battle.

-Staceuosity 💙

P.S. Here is a link to the main reel that changed everything for me yesterday:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cs1gZSItGYi/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==