12/30/2021 9:57 AM
*Warning: Multiple F* Bombs Are About To Commence*
Let's Not Cry Over Spilled Milk...
There are 271.6 reasons to get my shit together. REMEMBER how fat REALLY feels! Can't fit into size 20's! WTH. So, when I DO FIT IN THEM, I have LOST A SIZE.
Going up stairs at home, my heart rate and breathing is ridiculous, and takes minutes to recover. Note to self: Think Wade status. I did the HASFIT 8 minute standing workout video this morning right after waking up and having a sip of water. Holy shit was that hard! I wanted to quit 20 seconds into that first move. No exaggeration. Are we serious!!?
Some other things I must note before I move forward...
My reach is a fucking task. My stomach is a serious road block to reaching below my waist for almost anything. Can I do it, yeah, some movements are easier than others, but none are acceptable at all. My bra wire digs into my stomach after a few hours, on the last hook. My stomach protrudes, especially by the mid to end day to where I am so uncomfortable, I just want to lay down.
Flexibility, I feel like a fucking T-rex. Actually, a T-rex has me beat on my range of motion. I feel like I am back in the pumpkin costume my step-mom made me wear in elementary school. I knock everything down wherever I go. I can't sit at a normal table without repositioning myself 5,000 times just to eat. Eating while standing is the most comfortable thing right now. Sweet baby Jesus this is horrible. Seriously though, Ha! restaurants cause me to burn 1,000 calories Just stressing about how the hell I am going to sit and eat. It's not even about feeling self conscious about looking fat, I know I am, and that I look it. But oh man trying to fit in a booth is just like.. " Ok, I can do it if I get the widest side, and sit on the edge, stick a leg out and lean forward. OMG I can't even believe this shit. But it. is. 100% FACTS!
Brain fog is real. So real, that it's starting to happen now. I sit and I just get stuck, often, staring out into noting frozen... Multiple times a day. I feel like I am losing my intelligence, my sharpness, and my focus constantly. This is new, this is extreme. I know it's related, because I never felt these extremes at this level, but I do remember them when I was at me previous highest weight which was 263. It feels like induced ADD.
My skin has changed. I break out a lot on my neck, and on my chin, that's a huge food related skin issue. My skin is thirsty af. It is so off balance, and I had it in a really good place. With all the skin care I have, which is good stuff it's still not right. Its dull, dehydrated, clogged, flaking on the forehead. These are all diet related, I know my skin very well.
Endometriosis has made a come back. December wasn't so bad, but Oct, Nov holy shit, I have been struggling with pain way more often than I'd like to admit. Dairy intake has been way too much, which I normally keep it at a certain level, and lower it when I know I get out of hand, that's one thing I usually have control over, and right now, I don't. I know how quickly those animal hormones affect me. I know better. It's almost making my pescatarian lifestyle pointless, so that needs to get better real quick. Wow it's been almost 6 years now.
These are just some of the DAILY struggles to REMIND me.
"I work harder ALL day being fat than I do with 45 mins at the gym. Being fat is a painful and exhausting way to be ALL day. 45 mins, even an hour at the gym is nothing, it's absolute simplicity compared to the daily struggles combined being fat."
That was a serious mental drain to write. I have been carrying all this mental and physical weight for so long. It all has to go! I have done what I've done, and now it's time to love and respect myself enough to make the hard necessary changes.
Promise to myself: "Every single day I WILL make small changes that put me in a better place tomorrow."
Where I Think I Went Wrong
I wrote this to REMIND myself how fat really feels. Because I so quickly forgot last time, months down the road I felt like I had very little progress. Seriously Stacey!? I lost over 40 lbs, idk how many inches, and was finally getting into the 18 pants. That pant size was a big downer for me. No matter how much I tried, I felt like the pant sizes were not reflecting. My arms were another downer, they have stubborn fat, that will take a loooong time to melt, I need to remember that. Most likely a full year until I see a real difference. AND THAT'S OKAY! No matter how long it takes, I have to do it, I have to CONTINUE to do better, and things will follow. Be EXTREMELY patient Stacey.
I stopped Writing - Document, document, document. If it's not in writing, its jumbled in my head.
Weighed Myself Way Too Much! - Until you learn this lesson, you will NOT succeed. Yep I said it. DO NOT DO IT. You will obsess & fail.
Looked For Specific Results At A Specific Time - Take the wins as they come, in all forms. Do not expect your body to cooperate in giving you the win YOU want.
Documenting From The Very Start - Memories of how being fat REALLY feels & looks faded, & I had very few reminders. Make reminders easily accessible. THIS will keep you accountable.
Make Time For ME! - Self care EVERY day. It comes in many forms, do it. You will loose yourself otherwise (writing is one).
Not Cooking - I stopped cooking months ago. Life has been busier than ever, and I made excuses. Eat min 90% food from HOME!
Feeling Like An Inadequate Mother - To some level, that probably won't stop. It keeps me a decent mom overall. But physical road blocks affect quality time with my son. Don't allow it!
Making Promises I Can't Keep - Don't do it. Setting yourself up to fail. Like "oh I am going to post daily, weigh in weekly" etc...Too much pressure which will result in a sense of failure.
Not Making Time To Reflect - When you finally have a moment to hear your own thoughts... Oh boy the power you get from that!! Let me tell you, whatever is frustrating you, or making you feel any type of way, reflecting is the first step to discovery. Hence my being here now.
Positive Steps I've Taken So Far
12/27/2021 - Having a nervous breakdown Monday morning - I have come to love these, because I know I'm about to start kicking ass after those.
12/28/2021 - Wrote down my short term and long term goals for this year (Thank you Ana for the reminder)
12/28/2021 -The first healthy nutrition step was buying AND prepping food to make easily available (I do not cook anymore, at all, it's crazy & first time ever)
12/29/2021 - Purchasing Herbalife (12:30 am so technically 12/30). No this is NOT going to be an advertisement. I don't sell it right now. I jut like their products. My body like them, I don't have allergies to them, and I need a sense of a fresh start towards a new routine. I don't like making breakfast, so I can just drink a shake.
12/30/2021 - Moved my ass - HASFit video
12/30/2021 - Had coffee, & Protein shake for breakfast (not a continuous breakfast for hours)
12/30/2021 - Finally wrote this shit down!!! And publishing it for MY accountability.
I feel like this is the first post I am truly writing for ME! I really thought I was being so real last time, but not completely. I was still tip toeing. I am proud of myself for all my growth this year, haha no pun intended. Seriously, I've grown in other ways immensely. I feel so much more settled in who I really am. I do love myself, no matter my size. I am so proud of where I am today compared to the year before that and so on... I owe mad props to my friend Ana for a LOT of that. She's been the best friend I could ever ask for. She's seen my punk ass at my lowest points, and my highest. I laugh, but it's so true. Girl I appreciate the hell out of you!
Just keep it moving Stacey. DO. NOT FALTER. When you do, get the hell up, quicker. No time to feel shame, guilt, anger. Gotta get it done, that's it.
Sometimes you have to lose yourself a little bit to truly move forward.
I feel like dropping some Lizzo right about now...